I have learned to not trust myself when it comes to "what I (currently) want" and always be open to change. The clashes are 100% internal. It goes a little something like this:

Me: "Melissa, I thought we wanted to do this"

Myself: "Sorry, I'm not really feeling it anymore I want this"

I: "#shookt #confused"

I remember once upon a time, I wanted to live an Atlanta suburban life . . . boi ✋🏾.  I can't imagine myself in a white picket fence dream. For now, the idea makes me feel suffocated.

Another thing is having kids of my own, I know I'm only 22 (though I don't think the "only" is necessary since 22 is able enough) but at the moment I'm not sure I can see my future self having them. I think I'd be a pretty capable mom, but I have zero yearning for them and run away from the idea that kids are necessary or fulfill a women's life. I love taking care of children, but I also know that their entire lives don't depend on me. 

But like I mentioned in my initial point, this all might change in a few years. My fear isn't that my ideas will change, but that they will when it's too late or too difficult. 

I question my ability to be able to exist in such a permanent state. 

This is what I love about youth, that there are little to no things holding you back. There is room for change, and big change at that. As you get older, you have less and less of that wiggle room. You're stuck with a mortgage, a marriage, children, loans, bills, unfortunate circumstances, fear. You can't bounce back as easy if you take a risky chance. 100% you can do it at anytime, but at the end of the day it'll be harder under those circumstances. Let's take last summer's trip to Oman as an example. Flight and boarding for two months was booked a couple weeks before we left, and if I had serious commitments it would have been entirely impossible. Then again, for some that might be a sign of irresponsibility and lack of independence. No one's really right. I just hope I do what makes me happy in the process of figuring myself out (or is it molding myself?). 

I love to fling myself into existential crises (this is the tip of the freaking iceberg). 

Luckily, my BFF is there to remind me I'm just going thru normal young adult angst.

But let's move on to a lighter topic.

I never really liked the idea of small living spaces with 0 green, but is a ridiculously expensive studio apartment on the 22th floor in my not-so-near future?

Something that's calling me right now is Hong Kong. The only things I really know about it are that they speak Cantonese and it's a financial hub. & I'm asking myself . . . why? But it is what it is. What's weird is that it's not that I want go on vacation there, I want to live(?) there for an extended period of time. But honestly, I know nothing about it.  

Does my past life have a connection to Hong Kong? 

11 Things About Hong Kong

Thinking about it, it might be because I saw one three five episodes of Monsta X's variety show in Hong Kong. But then again, I've seen plenty on Seoul and there's no calling there. 

When things like this happen, I have like a little feeling it's fate. Same thing happened to me with Oman, so you never know. 😜

I have a friend that went to Hong Kong (& their Disney) and now I'm retrospectively jealous. 

Also I'm not qualified to be a actual foodie yet, but OMG Hong Kong is probably paradise. Why don't I have a limitless (click the link, do it!) bank account?

Now, I'm not 100% sure if it was Hong Kong, but I think so because it's in Cantonese cuisine where some restaurants wheel around a cart that just hold a multitude of dumplings (my freaking dream). Actually I think it is Hong Kong, a former British colony, since it would make sense that they adopted their tea time. (!! although, China made tea like 5,000 years ago, maybe the British cemented the transition from medicinal/spiritual tea uses to more social? but I'm sure the Chinese had already done that, so maybe just inspired the brunch, dainty snack thing. Or maybe the British are just irrelevant). Sooooo anyways, you sit with friends, sip your tea, and indulge on a variety of dim sum from a silver cart! 

it's called Yum Cha! and traditionally brunch (peep the chicken feet on the bottom left)

Fun fact: Our Chinese American food is super deviated from traditional Chinese cuisine (duh). But there are (debated) major regional cuisines in China. Americans, & probably the Western hemisphere, are generally more familiar with Cantonese type of cuisine whose origin lies in the Southeastern Guangdong province. This is because many people from Guangdong immigrated overseas in the 19th century. I should probably also mention that the main language in Guangdong is Cantonese (surprise!) unlike the rest of mainland China who generally speak Mandarin (and other dialects of course). (autonomous) Hong Kong and Macau are also in the Cantonese sphere, and have it as their official language.

Cantonese speakers in red:

Went on Hong Kong's Lonely Planet for more info.