HEARTC♡RE

I have been wanpicg to talk about the book club I'm part of for so long now.

It's called BYOB (bring your own book), and today was our second meeting. I have wanted to make a book club for sincerely the longest. Personally I used to love to read and wanted to get back into it with not only more structure, but see my friends point of view. I'm also really lucky my friend opened her apartment for us to go and meet.

I really wanted to put it into action since last year, but it was nearing December and it was so hectic we couldn't mean till the ends of January. We decided on the book and had a little social night and now our meeting today was actually discussing it. As our first real meeting I feel it could've gone better than it did. At least for me, but I hope my friends don't feel the same. I was reading some of the questions provided by the publisher as a guide, and at the fourth question they decided they liked the way our natural conversation about culture was going and they'd rather let it flow which I agree. But after that we no longer got a comment on the book and got off topic. I wasn't upset, what happens is that I feel very awkward and was hoping to return to the book but it didn't happen. And that's okay, I chose the book so maybe it was more interesting for me, I just feel like we just skimmed the top and talked about race in America (a theme in the book), but not more than that. Anyways, what happens is I feel fake making conversation that doesn't interests me and it is too much played out effort I rather just keep quiet. And I know my face wasn't very enthusiastic (I'm not going to fake smile), but I'm not gonna change it and I hope that I didn't come off as a bitch. I think one of my friends got upset, but I'm not sure what's expected of me. I had a good time and I hope they did too. Hopefully as the meetings go on we get a better hang of how to discuss and I know we will. :)

 Next meeting I'm thinking Pizza and Soda .. ..  ..

Also, I drank coffee and now I'm probably ruined for tomorrow.

So this post will be a little more personal. I'm upset because I had ideas on what I would talk about, but now I've forgotten them all! 

Okay so anyways about like what I've been wanting to do. To start off I am the most inconsistent person alive. I say I want to do a thing, get the supplies or equipment for said thing. I do it once and never do it again. It is honestly so frustrating, probably not only for me but for my friends as well because they have to hear it! The latest one is embroidering. I bought all these supplies because I feel its something that interests me and I think it's so super cute. Well I did one as a gift and I DECIDED I wanted to improve and start selling them or get a little Etsy shop. NOPE hasn't happened, haven't picked up that needle since December. I slick blame it on going to Europe and throwing me off track, but I know that's not the real case. But like I think about it once a week and I KNOW I really want to do it. Do you know how frustrating it is to be your own cause of failure.  . .  I wish someone was holding me back so there would be at least a valid reason. (I'm going to be limiting my free internet time to like only 10 hours a day LOL so maybe I can get something productive done!!)

So why I'm saying this long back story is because I had ANOTHER idea of what I want to do. Okay. hear me out. So I have like this obsession with like media communication through the internet. (sometimes I wonder if journalism would've been better for me but I don't think so. . . ) And since I was like in high school I've always wanted a blog (cough cough), vlog, like everything. But I don't have a very good idea of like WHAT. This blog has always been a personal type thing, but I feel I want to present something to the community. A couple weeks ago I suggested to two of my girlfriends to make a vlog on YouTube where we just chat about topics and such. And then I thought why don't I do a podcast of some sort blah blah. I like the idea of a podcast, but I feel it's a harder medium for people to have access to. YouTube and this type of blog link is so much easier. Okay so here's my idea. I want to make a Xicana magazine or newsletter. . . .. Maybe like a four page baby magazine of some sort. There's a lot that would go into that and I surely couldn't do it on my own. I feel that there isn't enough xicana representation in all kinds of industries. I think it'd be wonderful to have somewhere where especially young xicanas can get inspired or see themselves in positive light and make them proud of who they are, what they look like, and where they come from. It'd be a sort of lifestyle mag with some academics thrown in there. Just to further educate about their history and the struggles of their community. I just think it's really important and I am sure there are many sources for that, but it doesn't hurt to have one. Like I said before I couldn't do it on my own, but I just feel like I don't want to tell anyone because It's always embarrassing when I don't go through with what I say and such. I'm kinda like the boy who cried wolf and I don't expect my friends to take me seriously. Of course I already have some name ideas ;) but it's so much harder than it looks. Like how do I get proper pictures, distribution medium and such. Also I can't think of topics I would talk about and such, I'm not a great writer but of course I wouldn't be the only writing. I'd really like for other 20somethings to be involved. I really like to target high school, but of course every xicana needs encouragement.

Another problem with this, is that IIIII need to involve myself into the community, especially with immigration situation. It is very easy for me to involve myself in other people's struggle because I don't have a direct relationship with that and the heaviness isn't on me if that makes sense. Like it's not my direct responsibility as a member of that community. I am aware that I need to further educate myself to properly strand my ground and involve myself in the issues within the Latinx community. I really do believe that is one of my greatest weakness and shame. I cannot do the above without immersing myself and being not only verbally involved, but physically active. Honest honest, it something I really want to work on, it's not only something I seek knowledge of, but I need it to legitimize my contribution and I don't think that's a bad thing. Sometimes I feel that I am very distant from the REAL struggles. But I need to go to the middle of it, take action, and use the privileges I hold to protect my community.

I really wanna do this, but I am scared I will lose interest and motivation or it won't be good enough. 

-Melissa

ps. another problem is that within the xicanx movement there would be some contradictions as to what would be posted. Well I wouldn't exactly say that, but some people may take it as that. My faith is an important part of ME and it's something that I wouldn't leave behind so it would be very hard to make it come together and something that takes a lot of thinking.

Okay it is Wednesday the 4th and my last post was like before the 1st. Again not much has happened, but I WILL SAY THIS SOOOOO MANY TIMESSSSSSS.

TIME IS JUST FLYING BY. ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UPSET!!!!!

Let me really begin by saying today was such nice weather and it really did remind me of some beautiful times last year. Like vivid memory type thing. It always amazes me how the senses can trigger your memory. With a simple scent or sound, and they invoke like really specific moments. I love and hate it, this nostalgia. But anyways, I feel there's a bit I want to talk about. This Sunday my dad got back from Mexico so that was cool, I went to pick him up at the airport. I honestly feel like I go to the airport every 5 months. And I have for the last year!!! Twice last Spring, twice in the summer, and now twice this winter. I wonder if I'll do any in Spring or Summer. Doesn't look like it, but you never know.

So the picture of today is my room. I share one with my sister and she was tired of the "scenery" so we exchanged rooms with my little brother. I really do feel it's bigger even though I doubted her. It's still a mess but we're getting there! What I like about this room (this used to be my solo room before my brother and sister were old enough to be separated) is that it gets really good sunlight and I need that in my life. Maybe a change of scenery will be good for me to! :)

I'm grateful for this because sometimes my sister and I agree that sharing a room is not ideal or that we have such a tough time keeping it clean and organized. But I am glad we even have a roof over our heads, we have the stuff to make it cute :), and I think it helps us bond and maintain a strong relationship! :) Today I actually went to her school to meet with the counselor and her for her junior advisement. It makes me really excited for her to start applying for schools and seeing what it is she wants to do. I'm glad that I can be here for her because I remembering doing it alone.

For tomorrow, I think I will do a more personal post. And the coming couple days I will do on some stuff I have going on.