I came to the conclusion that the question of the . . . week? is "what drives me?" I say "week" because I do not have the month or year to figure this out. 

literally me at work though

This is something I have struggled with since my freshman year of college. It began with "what" and ''why" for my degree. Then, "what" and "why" for a career field. Now that I'm in a role that I enjoy the question is just "why". I've just never been able to relate with someone that knows exactly what they want or have a motivation at the very least.

Arguments of whether or not the Myers-Briggs Personalities are scientifically accurate aside, I'm an ESFJ. I remember reading that if you fall into that personality type, your values are most likely dictated by societal norms rather than strong personal conviction. I do feel like that sounds too harsh, but the ESFJ personality is very social and can depend a lot on the people that surround them for direction and affirmation. In regards to motivation and drive, I think that we might focus more on what others want from us or where we think they would like us that we might not get the chance to develop intrinsic motivation as well as our independent counterparts.

To address whether or not Myers-Briggs Personality types are accurate- I don't know. I haven't had a chance to truly research it or to know if they even meant it to be seen as 7.5 billion people boxed into 16 categories. What I do know is that when I was younger I swore by it and just thought it was me to a T. Now, I am definitely more complex, or even different, than the profile would suggest. Regardless, if you take the test it can give you an idea of some personality traits you possess. You can read into it and get some insight into potential weakness, strengths, relationships, and habits. 

For my degree, I was motivated to attend college because it would make my parents happy. And while I enjoyed academia, I did have difficulties towards the end and I think only crossed the finish line for their sake. For work, I went with the flow and got a job because it's what was the next step. I've always said I've been very lucky and I've enjoyed every single one of my previous roles, ones I've applied for and otherwise. 

In school, I would work hard for group projects, but sabotage myself when it was an individual assignment. I could technically use the same motivation I always have and focus on contributing to my team, but it's just not going to cut it this time. And I get so frustrated thinking about it. I almost wish I had negative reinforcements to spark a fire under my ass. Three motivations off the top of my head- earn more money, help others gain financial and job security, improve my skills and gain experience. I want all these things, but nothing really sparks something inside. 

Now I am questioning myself- do I need something to spark?? And speaking of sparks- is it that I need something that I'm super passionate about?? Maybe, but guess what? I don't have anything I'm passionate about! Lol. I am where I want to be.

That last sentence made me realize something. Being where I want to be, I can truly use it as a start line to plan for my life for the next couple years. Evaluate what I really want and how this fits into that future. Instead of making my job the only priority and shaping my life around it, I need to gear this role towards helping me paint the bigger picture. I guess that's kind of obvious- but I'm really struggling here people! I guess I need to spell it out for myself. It'll still be difficult because I obviously don't know what I want, but I think that's where I need to start. 

I began this role in fall of last year and can use the end of the year as the official end of the beginner phase and mindset. I definitely want to start with creating input metrics to follow. Look into that bigger picture shit and see if I can find something that's like THIS, I want THIS.

*SCREAMS INTO THE VOID*