Not a tumor! :-(

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

God what a scary word!!! :-( Well to fill you in, that's what I am dealing with right now. Don't want to leave you in suspense - I am fine!!! Let's take it from the top.

It's borderline embarrassing to say that this started a little over two years ago now. At the time, I was doing kettlebell exercises and one day I felt a hardness on my back, after showing everyone they're like it's totally a muscle knot. When I went to my regular physical, my doctor said it's probably a muscle knot and to get it massaged, but that she could put an order for an ultrasound in too to confirm. Guess who didn't schedule an appt?? :D 

So anyways time passes on, don't really pay it much mind and don't even remember I have it to be honest. But then this summer, I do a bit of a lifestyle change and lose some weight around my waist or whatever so she's like visible and I am now aware of her presence. I have my physical coming up so I bring it up to the doctor. I say it during the first intake convo/catch up and she's casually like yeah we can check it out and put in that ultrasound request too if needed. Okay, cool cool cool. So she comes over to do the actual physical and as soon as she sees it she's snapping pics and is like okay can you get an x-ray any time today, just so we know what it is before the weekend (it's Friday). And I'm SICK baby, SICK. 20% sick she's suddenly alarmed, 80% sick I didn't do this shit in 2022 . . . (if you need something checked out, go 'head and do it after you finish reading this).

So, I usually take the day off to do all my appointments and had an hour and a half gap between this and my Gyno appt, so I ask if it takes long and they say no so I rush over to the imaging center. Although the x-ray tech didn't SEEM to concerned with my results, I still cried driving 75 North LOL on the way to my next appt. So now it's my Gyno's turn to check me out and she sees it and all casually she's like "Do you think you're going to get that removed" and I'm like okay okay she seems casual and she was! she said it's no biggie. But technically I still don't know that for sure. 

So anyways my primary doctor sees the inconclusive x-ray results and puts in an ultrasound request, I go to my ultrasound and again doesn't really show anything (technically good news!!) and I have some good banter with this tech and he's like yeah probably not anything but of course he's not the final say. So anyways I'm kinda cruising/kinda chill but WHAT IS IT??

So again, primary doctor needs more info so she sends me for an MRI and the results come in and one of the comments say this - 

IMPRESSION:
 
1. Enhancing mass within the subcutaneous soft tissues of the lower
back measures 4.5 x 8.8 x 8.5 cm. The mass abuts the fascia of the
posterior paraspinal musculature without evidence of invasion into the
musculature. This is most concerning for a neoplastic process such as a
soft tissue sarcoma.
I think I'm working between an apple and a grapefruit

Um what's that about soft tissue sarcoma?? I am having a hard time trying to decipher the wording and although I am giving my doctor a couple days to give me feedback my mom's like just go ahead and send her a message, so I do and maybe the next day as I am walking the dog in the neighborhood, I see her message pop up and she's out of the country but she's referring me to a orthopedic oncologist...…I call his office to make the soonest appointment possible - I'm sick!! 

Her msg:
Given the size and location of the mass, while I'm glad the mass hasn't invaded into your muscles or your spine, given the suspicion this could still be a soft tissue sarcoma, I want you to review this with an Orthopedic Oncologist specialist who would be able to assist you with next steps including biopsy or potential of removal if indicated.

But ACTUALLY I am trying to remain calm because at the end of the day it was always a mass and I knew that I'd have to get a biopsy one way or another right? So anyways because I am already out I walk back to my mom's house, dog and all, and we're standing there in the front door just giving her an update (because she kept asking if the doctor had replied to me) and all is well because we assumed this would be the next step but we still just looked at each other and just started tearing up and had hugged it out. 

It's just one of those moments you don't really ever plan on having so it hit a little hard. I don't think it would have hit me as hard if I didn't have two aunts get diagnosed with cancer (one of which sadly passed away) within the last year or so. Which mind you, are THE REASONS I changed my habits recently. It just put my personal health into perspective and I want to work on what I could control. I also thought life has a funny way of doing this kind of shit so I had a bad feeling. My spirituality is also fortune cookies and I passed by Panda express the day after my ultrasound and my fortune was something along a difficult year and my fortunes usually come true so I was like DAMN IT!!!!! Anyways that night my brother messages me and he's like "Melissa, are you alright? mom keeps crying" and that really upset me. As someone who suffers in 4K I understood why people suffer in silence. 

So anyways, I schedule my biopsy ASAP and that morning it should only be an intake meeting. Thankfully he had all my images on hand and my concern was my spine and he said everything looked good and it's pretty shallow on my body too. Anyways - so he asks if I can come back on Christmas eve to get a biopsy done and yes sir I can. So I change back into my clothes and the nurse comes back and says they don't need preauthorization and are going to conduct the biopsy now and to undress again - well that's a relief! So they get it done - the last three injections FUCKING hurt. I think they took 7 samples total?? We go through best and worst case scenarios - and he let's me know soonest results could come between one week up and three weeks. Yikes. Anyways two days pass - it's Thursday now and I get a message on the platform with my results and they didn't find anything! She's benign and is a fibroma. How the fuck did I get that?? I cannot tell you! (but how does anything happen). 

So anyways because it is benign and not causing any harm I decide to schedule my surgery after I return from Mexico at the end of February. Apart from being annoyed at how it looks, everything has been okay. UNTIL this weekend I started to feel discomfort in most positions and it really just sucks. Also I don't really take medicine, don't have it on hand and honestly it's just because it doesn't even CROSS my mind. I am actually laugh crying right now at how I am just in this . . . I mean I don't even know on a scale from 1-10 how painful it is, but it's painful enough to evoke an emotional reaction and I am just writhing about when I could take like whatever pain killer. Like WTF. 

Well last night after 3 or 4 days of back pain, I can't find a comfortable position to be in bed because it feels achy and like I am going to trigger a spasm. So I decide to lay with my stomach on the floor, my logic is its hard and flat and will help lengthen my spine the most and not be as strained?? Well I am there on the floor for like an hour, between a cries and a sobs (I can LOL now, no worries). 

I mean, I am a self proclaimed drama queen so in moments like these I have a hard time separating what's me wallowing in my self pity and what actually warrants being in a dark room crying in fetal position. Well does anything really warrant that?? But the floor was for posture assistance not the drama production. It's not really the pain itself, but the fact that - 

  • why is it suddenly hurting- 
    • is there long term damage on my spine or nerves as we speak?!
  • do I need to alert the authorities or can I endure it in silence, I would endure in silence because:
    • a trip with important events coming up - in less than a week and a half
    • it's non refundable (yes $$ is the least of my worries but it was my parents GIFT to me and its naturally a stress factor)
    • my bff also booked her month long non-refundable trip 
    • if I have to cancel my trip to schedule my surgery sooner than later, I would ruin the peace of mind for the people that care about me most and they couldn't enjoy their trip
    • just not mentally prepared for surgery or have all my ducks in a row
    • work shit (yes I am a corporate overlord sympathizer) 
I was also thinking of a guy I knew from college that had something that would go wrong with a nerve in his back (or something) and I remember he told me that at the peak of his pain, he was practically bed ridden and would have to crawl to use the bathroom. FUCK ME that made me so sad and I couldn't even imagine. To this day I respect him for sharing that with me that because he didn't have to :-(!

In that moment I am also thinking of people and friends with fucking chronic illness (and Luigi M. actually lol) - I think that's what actually made me get off the floor - I have a solution to this!!! :-( and access to healthcare (even though I am already a couple grand in on the diagnosis alone *sigh*). 

Anyways I finally got myself up, took a shower and got on with my evening. At one point I went downstairs and I was chatting with Paco (my cousin) and were in the middle of a conversation of the taste of a blue cheese rind and it went like this -

M: "Yeah, the rind is really stron-"
P: "Are you high??"
M: "No I was just crying"
P: "..."
M: "..."
Cue ugly laughing from both of us

Okay maybe you had to be there but it was so funny!!! No I am not high as fuck, my eyes are bloodshot because I haven't felt relief in a few days. He offered me medicine too (and I was able to actually sleep somewhat comfortably, but terrified that they would wear off before I could fully drift away!) 

Anyways, earlier that day I sent the orthopedic surgeon a message giving him all the details and my main question was - apart from the pain/discomfort, are there any concerns for long term effects related to the pain. He replied back this morning and said no concerns and the pain could be for a couple reasons. 

He said I could take OTC pain meds or he could prescribe something and I should continue stretching. So that gave me some peace of mind and I think I can work with it until it's time. He said one of the reasons could be muscle fatigue - which fucking yes because I threw my back out like two weekends ago (LMAO) and it was fucking painful!! The other is it could be growing - holy shit!!! I hope I can get a picture of it when it's out!! Also, I think this means I am actually 1 pound skinnier than the scale shows 💅 If I was doing this surgery in Mexico I would want like a little something extra taken out, a little two for one moment.

Thankfully the surgery is out-patient and shouldn't be too hard on me?? BUT GOD KNOWS, AH. I've never had any kind of medical procedures so I am not looking forward to it. I'll know more during my pre-op. Because it's pretty large and they need to open a bit above and below the location, I think my scar will cover my entire mid to lower back. How's science these days?? I'm not too worried about scarring because I can't see it but I hope it ends up just being a line after it heals. But any how - that's me rn!!! Today my back is feeling much better! Is the medicine that long lasting or what's going on? Don't care but in a much better head space too :-)

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